The beginning of the end... is the end of the beginning? This is cheap philosophy, but well... try to think a bit about that... and you'll get a huge headache. Why should someone do something that will provoke for sure a headache?... well, we do that constantly... isn't it?

Language... my own shell

My friends... well, the few I let them see this crazy stuff written by me... wonder why I use English for this blog.

I could use tons of excuses. I know I started with computers when they were only in English and it was hard to me to use a computer in Spanish. But that's not the reason.

I could have written this in Spanish, but well... I prefer not to use "that" language if it's not completely necessary. I could use my own language, Catalan... but well... I feel like I'm revealling a bit too much of myself. Using English, which is nearly my second language as I use it daily, makes me feel a bit protected.

It's a bit as if it's someone else writing this. Sometimes happens to me, I read something I wrote some time ago and it looks as if's written by someone else.

I need this shell... I feel so strange in this world that I feel more comfortable if I get this shell. I know it's not good and blah blah blah, but I'm just not ready to open myself completely. There're so many things I prefer to keep inside me... Maybe I'm just scared of reality? dunno, but well... that's me.

Probably I should open myself, express my true feelings, and such but ... well? which are my real feelings? I really feel what I feel? or it's just that I want to feel what I don't really feel? ... I'm living of dreams and fantasies? ... have I just been the "toy" of someone feeling lonely? probably not the "toy", but just "someone that was there during those days... and as I'm away... I don't need anything else?"... well... sometimes I realize that I use to fantasize a bit too much about people which hurt me to "forgive them" somehow.

It's like "she kicked my butt", and then I think "well maybe she didn't want to do it and it was an error" or "she wanted to kill an spider in my butt"... get what I mean?

well... I think I'm getting the flu... the last thing I needed ...

Is reality real... if so... why?

i know I've been neglecting this blog for too long. Is this a good signal? or a bad signal?... This blog helps a lot to pour my thoughts and fears... well, most of them... I cannot pour everything as I never know who could ever read this... just imagine I turn out to become famous in the future and someone finds this! ... well, I doubt that, because... anyone knows a famous Egyptologist?... well yes, Howard Carter... but well, let's be honest. Famous for my work? I hope not. I know I had a public profile when I started this last "adventure"... or should I call it "nightmare"?
This "job" had it's good and bad things... at the beginning... most of them were good... now?... I don't know... or no, yes, I know but well... those who know me ... know what I feel about this whole situation.

I'm going somewhere with this post... I think I'm walking in circles. My mind wanders around... I need relax... holidays... peace of mind... calm... probably what I need the most is silence. I don't mean silence of sound, if you know what I mean. Silence in life, tranquility. I live in a constant state of nervousism, waiting to see what happens now, what other problem will arise...

Shit... this is becoming a sad post, and I don't like it. I know usually I hide my feelings under a costume of cynism... usually works... quite usually, but those who know me understand this.

Well... I need inspiration (or a couple of beers probably but well... at least this blog doesn't feel lonely anymore.