X-Mas 2004

Merry X-mas to all of you reading this blog... well... if there's someone that hasn't got anything better to do.

Strange year... and strange X-mas. I must admit that for a change I've somehow enjoyed X-Mas this year. I have nice gifts from someone special that has been with me in strange and difficult moments, nice celebrations and such.

Someone told me that as noone knows about this blog... noone can read it... well, that's true. I'll try to promote it. I'm a bit reluctant to promote it, I have this as somewhere to pour my thoughts, fears, whishes and despairs, but this is hard to do if it's to public with people who realy know me...

Anyway, as usual I'm full of doubts and headaches, but a bit happier in this X-mas period...

Happy XMAS!

The beginning of the end... is the end of the beginning? This is cheap philosophy, but well... try to think a bit about that... and you'll get a huge headache. Why should someone do something that will provoke for sure a headache?... well, we do that constantly... isn't it?

Language... my own shell

My friends... well, the few I let them see this crazy stuff written by me... wonder why I use English for this blog.

I could use tons of excuses. I know I started with computers when they were only in English and it was hard to me to use a computer in Spanish. But that's not the reason.

I could have written this in Spanish, but well... I prefer not to use "that" language if it's not completely necessary. I could use my own language, Catalan... but well... I feel like I'm revealling a bit too much of myself. Using English, which is nearly my second language as I use it daily, makes me feel a bit protected.

It's a bit as if it's someone else writing this. Sometimes happens to me, I read something I wrote some time ago and it looks as if's written by someone else.

I need this shell... I feel so strange in this world that I feel more comfortable if I get this shell. I know it's not good and blah blah blah, but I'm just not ready to open myself completely. There're so many things I prefer to keep inside me... Maybe I'm just scared of reality? dunno, but well... that's me.

Probably I should open myself, express my true feelings, and such but ... well? which are my real feelings? I really feel what I feel? or it's just that I want to feel what I don't really feel? ... I'm living of dreams and fantasies? ... have I just been the "toy" of someone feeling lonely? probably not the "toy", but just "someone that was there during those days... and as I'm away... I don't need anything else?"... well... sometimes I realize that I use to fantasize a bit too much about people which hurt me to "forgive them" somehow.

It's like "she kicked my butt", and then I think "well maybe she didn't want to do it and it was an error" or "she wanted to kill an spider in my butt"... get what I mean?

well... I think I'm getting the flu... the last thing I needed ...

Is reality real... if so... why?

i know I've been neglecting this blog for too long. Is this a good signal? or a bad signal?... This blog helps a lot to pour my thoughts and fears... well, most of them... I cannot pour everything as I never know who could ever read this... just imagine I turn out to become famous in the future and someone finds this! ... well, I doubt that, because... anyone knows a famous Egyptologist?... well yes, Howard Carter... but well, let's be honest. Famous for my work? I hope not. I know I had a public profile when I started this last "adventure"... or should I call it "nightmare"?
This "job" had it's good and bad things... at the beginning... most of them were good... now?... I don't know... or no, yes, I know but well... those who know me ... know what I feel about this whole situation.

I'm going somewhere with this post... I think I'm walking in circles. My mind wanders around... I need relax... holidays... peace of mind... calm... probably what I need the most is silence. I don't mean silence of sound, if you know what I mean. Silence in life, tranquility. I live in a constant state of nervousism, waiting to see what happens now, what other problem will arise...

Shit... this is becoming a sad post, and I don't like it. I know usually I hide my feelings under a costume of cynism... usually works... quite usually, but those who know me understand this.

Well... I need inspiration (or a couple of beers probably but well... at least this blog doesn't feel lonely anymore.

Condoms and alcohol

Well... I think this blog is like some sort of drug... I never thought I was going to post again... and here I am.

I went out with my best friend tonight and it was a strange and funny night.

Too much alcohol probably, but well... it helps to forget, or helps to remember... which is dangerous. Anyway, it was really funny. I knew some things which I didnt knew from his friends... some of them puzzled me as they considered me as some sort of "dangerous guy who could get your girlfriend!" which made me laugh... I've only had one gf in my whole life... and we lasted 2 months together... and it's not 'cause I had a lot of other relationships... but me being too stupid...

well, noone cares about my sex-life, which is strange lately, I must admit. Going to the point. We were in a pub, I had to go to the toilet (age... I'm getting older and I have to get my "colleague" out of the jail for a while quite often lately):

There was a condom vending machine there... Freaky!!!!!! Unless you meet someone in the pub, and decide to go to have sex (which seems like sci-fi to me to get to know someone in a pub, and even more, to have sex with that someone).... who would use that machine? well the machine was great...

First... it says... "transparent condoms".... wow!!!!! I've been looking for that in my whole life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!... my "colleague" has claustrophobia and needs to peek around..... let's be serious.... what's the use of a transparent condom????????? have a view of the vagina?... interesting....? I doubt it.... have a view of the ass?.... honestly.. I prefer not...

Then, another quote in the machine ..."The ultimate condom"...wow... it means you'll never use any other brand?... well I don't feel like going to that pub to get a condom whenever I'm lucky to find someone... and also... at 1€ each... I should have my pockets full of 1€ coins.... just in case?... And also... "ultimate"... it seems like it's somthing too good to be true? Specially made by hi-tech engineers of latex? ;)

BTW... how many condoms sold in that machine were ever really used?..... and I mean used with more than 1 person...? Some people might have bought one when they fell lucky... but I bet that hardly anyone really used it

mmmm I don't know if I should keep on with the blog tonight... this has been a strange week... but well.. my life's strange...

It was fun today, a good and special friend of mine said that my first post was great and that she wanted it printed... that amazes me.. puzzles me... and mainly... SCARES ME TO DEATH!... this means that my words have some sense?... it means I'm not crazy? that I'm a normal person? PLEASE NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!

Next week may be an even stranger week... I have to make some lectures/training in some other part of Spain... for a 3 hours class I'll loose 3 days of my live from a/c to a/c, crossing several countries in order to save some money... strange... well... someone could read this and kick my butt off.... so i'll keep my mouth closed... for a while.

I'll try to write something tomorrow. Probably noone cares about what I write, but I'm really enjoying this... helps me to think... but WAIT... should I think?... is it good?... we have other people (politicians and parents) who decide what's good for us... so why should we think?...

as I said... 2004 could be the beginning of the hope...???? well... ti's easy to say, we'll have to wait and see...

--Itram

The beginning of something... or the end of nothing?

Well... one day this should happen...? What's this? my well of thoughts?... or somewhere where I can dig my fears, ideas, pains... and hopes?

I prefer the well... there's always some water to keep everything cool... if you dig and bury something, it means you cannot get it back that easy... or maybe you can.

Life's a bitch, and that's true... but that's the life we have to live. But well... if it's a bitch... it means you have to pay? yes, and you have to pay a lot of your happiness to keep on this life... well they say it's worth... maybe it is.

Mmmmm I read this and it looks a bit crazy... well, too many things on my mind at this moment, probably this will help me clarify my ideas... and throw to the well all the bad nasty things that life has... and keep just the good things. So far I've found only very few good things, but well... I think those are really good and make worth living in this world of chaos.

2004 has been a strange year... new hopes have come to the world... my life has changed dramatically. I think I woke up from a strange "permanent post-teen" heaven to find a cruel life that hit me hard and put me all of the sudden in the middle of reality of a strange complicated sad adult age.

--Itram